The Rehearsal

It was my fourth yes of the morning. I looked at the corner of my screen. 10 AM.

A meeting required a facilitator. A slide deck needed context. This project had no owner. That team needed leadership. Yes, yes to all. I was reliable, ambitious, helpful. That version of myself required yes.

So I built myself on yes. Endless meetings. Dozens of teams. Weekend work. Weekly travel. Until I could not remember the last time I did something for myself.

Hydee, with the ease of someone outside the problem, stared at my calendar and saw no breathing room. "You need to start saying no."

As if? That is not who I am. I can do it all.

The first time I actually said no to a colleague, my chest tightened. My voice shook. It felt like becoming someone cold. Uninterested. Uncaring. But I had nothing left. So I said no. Then no again. Then again.

With repetition, focus arrived. Space opened. Energy returned. Because I made room for no, I suddenly had time for "hell, yes."

When does being yourself prevent you from becoming?

The Authenticity Paradox describes the bind we face when staying true to ourselves prevents us from growing into who we need to become. The more rigidly we cling to authenticity, the more we limit our capacity to change.

Organisational psychologist Herminia Ibarra identified this pattern in leadership transitions. People stepping into bigger roles often felt like impostors. Their natural inclinations conflicted with what the role demanded. A collaborative leader needed to be more directive. An analytical manager needed to inspire with storytelling. Instead of adapting, they defended their authentic selves.

The problem is that authenticity becomes an excuse for comfort. We tell ourselves we are being true to our values when we are protecting outdated versions of who we are.

Research on identity development reveals we carry multiple future selves in mind. A self who speaks up in meetings. A self who delegates effectively. A self who gives direct feedback without softening it. All possibilities of self.

When you enact a behaviour that aligns with one of those possible selves, you feel unfamiliar. The behaviour is congruent with who you want to become but incongruent with who you currently are. That misalignment registers as fakeness.

What makes this paradox tricky is that it feels morally justified. Staying authentic sounds virtuous. Adapting sounds like selling out. But authenticity can become an anchor keeping you from moving forward.

The people who escape this trap understand something crucial. You cannot discover who you are by looking inward and waiting for clarity. You reveal who you are by acting outward and gathering evidence.

Ibarra calls this developing outsight rather than insight. You learn who you are becoming by experimenting with new behaviours, not by introspecting about who you have been. The discomfort of trying something unfamiliar is not inauthenticity. It is growth in progress.

Studies on personality flexibility show that when people step outside their default traits, they often feel more authentic afterward. Introverts acting extroverted or highly structured people acting spontaneous reported a stronger sense of alignment. Temporarily breaking your pattern can widen the boundaries of identity.

The tension between current and future self is the developmental edge. The boundary between your current capabilities and your next stage of growth. If you are willing to feel like an impostor long enough to cross it.

But how do you know which discomfort to lean into and which to avoid?

Authenticity requires discomfort, but not all discomfort points toward growth. The difference matters.

Productive discomfort feels like unfamiliarity. You can do the behaviour, but it requires effort. You feel like an impostor, not like yourself. Afterwards, you feel tired but not depleted. The behaviour sits at the edge of your capability, not outside your character.

Destructive discomfort feels like violation. The behaviour requires you to betray something fundamental. You can force yourself through it, but afterwards you feel diminished. Hollow. The cost is not effort but integrity.

This week, choose one behaviour that creates productive discomfort. Then use these strategies to tolerate the impostor feeling long enough for integration to happen:

I now say no at least ten times a day. I know it is the opposite of uncaring. The reverse of unkind. The person I am becoming knows that it can be exactly the right thing to say.

Identity lags behind behaviour. The goal is to stay in the discomfort long enough to discover whether this future self is worth becoming. Who you are is not just shaped by your past. It is shaped by the possibilities you are willing to try.

If you want to find where the Authenticity Paradox shows up in your own life, the Self & Identity template in the Memory Fragments Workbook will guide you there.

^{This publication is a space for exploration and reflection. Nothing in this email is medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. These ideas are general insights on human behaviour, not treatment or diagnosis. Each reader’s situation is unique and deserves the right kind of support. If you are struggling or in crisis, please contact a licensed mental health professional.}