Saving Face

I wave at someone across the café.

She smiles. I smile back, already trying to remember where I know her from. Then the person behind me calls her name, and she walks straight past.

I lower my hand. Too late to make it look like anything else.

The man at the next table has seen the whole thing. His white hair is thin, his reading glasses low on his nose. I feel the heat reach my cheeks. Until then, it was a small mistake. Now I am embarrassed about being embarrassed, which seems excessive for a wave.

I look down at my coffee. There is a brown ring on the saucer and a little sugar beside the spoon. I give both my full attention.

When I finally look up, he is smiling. There is no surprise in his expression. I wonder how many small embarrassments he has forgotten by now.

I smile too, still warm, and let out a small laugh. He returns to his book.

I spend another minute wishing my face had handled the situation with more discretion.

What makes you blush?

Blushing makes a private feeling visible. Blood flow increases in the face, and the colour changes before we can decide whether we want anyone to notice. We can choose our words, hold a smile, or look away. We have much less control over what our cheeks are doing.

A mistake can bring it on, but so can praise or suddenly becoming the centre of attention. Researchers have described blushing as a response to unwanted social attention. The attention itself can be pleasant. Being singled out may still feel exposing.

In 2011, psychologist Corine Dijk and her colleagues tested how that visible response affects someone watching. In their experiment with 196 participants, each person played a computer game with a virtual opponent. Both players could cooperate or choose an option that served their own interests. In the second round, the opponent acted selfishly.

Participants then saw a photograph of her face. Some saw her blushing. Others saw her without a blush. Afterwards, they completed a separate task in which they could entrust money to her.

The blushing opponent received more money. Participants also trusted her more and expected her to be less likely to act selfishly again.

She had made the same choice in both versions. The blush changed how people judged her afterwards. It influenced a decision that required them to risk something of their own.

***

Earlier experiments involving incidents in shops examined what observers thought a blush communicated. After reading about a mishap, participants judged the person less negatively when the description included blushing. They also interpreted the blush as evidence that the person cared about the rules they had broken.

A mistake leaves more to assess than the act itself. We want to know whether the person understood its significance and whether they might do it again. Their response becomes part of that assessment.

The researchers measured judgments, not actual remorse or future behaviour. A blush cannot establish that someone is honest. The game used a virtual opponent and photographs; the shop experiments used written scenarios. Neither captures everything that happens between two people.

Still, the results complicate the instinct to hide embarrassment. The person whose face is warming has one experience of the moment. The person watching may come away with a different impression altogether.

If someone makes us nervous, we may try to behave as though they do not. We receive a compliment lightly. We hide how much an apology means. Later, we wonder whether they understand how we feel about them.

We have given them very little to go on.

There is a cost to making every encounter look effortless. Someone can leave believing they barely affected us, even when we spend the rest of the evening thinking about them. They may hold back next time. We may read that distance as a lack of interest.

We can end up waiting for closeness while concealing the response that might invite it.

Perhaps we have been measuring confidence by how little another person can unsettle us. There is another kind in letting someone see that they matter before we know what they will do with that knowledge.

^{This is a space for exploration and reflection, not medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. Each reader’s situation is unique and deserves the right kind of support. If you are struggling or in crisis, please contact a licensed mental health professional. This edition contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, we may earn from qualifying purchases at no additional cost to you.}