Freedom | Reactance
THE THOUGHT
Freedom is both a right and a reflex.
At four I threw a brick at my mother. Well, half a brick.
If you know me, you know how wildly out of character that sounds. I was never violent or rebellious. But that afternoon, something in me cracked.
Leandro and I had spent all morning sourcing wood and nails. We had the sketches ready to build a two-seater plane and we had finally earned permission to use a hammer. Then she walked in and told me to stop and take a shower.
She asked once. Then again. The third time came with a threat and it felt unbearable. Something I was planning to do later became the thing I was being told to do now. My choice had become hers, and the difference felt suffocating.
The brick did not make it far. At four, as now, I had zero upper body strength. You might think: spoiled child. Perhaps. But it felt deeper than that. The throw was never meant to hurt her. It was about defending my choice. My time.
Do you also resist when choice becomes command?
Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.
THE DIVE
The Psychology of Pushback
Reactance is what happens when freedom meets a wall.
In the 1960s, psychologist Jack Brehm observed a pattern. When people feel their autonomy threatened, they push back. Hard. Instinctively. Even when pushing back works against them.
Research confirms the pattern. Tell a child they cannot touch a toy, and suddenly it becomes irresistible. Launch a product with "limited availability," and demand spikes. Mandate a health behaviour, and watch resistance bloom.
The mechanism is protective. Our choices are not just preferences. They are expressions of self. When someone restricts what we can do, we hear a deeper message: you do not own your life.
So we reclaim it. Sometimes wisely. Often not.
A teenager defies a reasonable curfew. An employee resists a sensible policy. A patient rejects sound medical advice. The content of the rule matters less than who imposed it.
Reactance: From Restriction to Autonomy
This is the strange math of human motivation. The more you constrict choice, the more valuable that choice becomes. We will choose against our interests just to prove we can choose. The diet becomes binge. The deadline becomes procrastination.
Freedom of choice matters more than the choice itself.
Understanding reactance changes how we influence. The harder the push, the harder the pushback. Real persuasion means stepping back. It does not corner. It opens doors. Because autonomy is not just about having options. It is owning the decision itself.
For anyone trying to influence, the question becomes: how do you guide without controlling?
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THE PRACTICE
The Room to Choose
The next time you need someone to do something, resist the urge to tell them what to do. Offer choice instead.
Not fake choice. Real autonomy.
With a child: "We need to leave in ten minutes. Shoes on now or grab them on the way out?" With a colleague: "This needs to get done by Friday. Tackle it solo or loop in Sarah?" With a partner: "This place is a mess. Tackle it together or divide and conquer?"
The reframe shifts everything. You are not removing the outcome. You are preserving their agency within it.
Watch what happens. Does the pushback soften when you share control instead of wielding it?
Notice where you typically demand compliance. Ask yourself: could I offer a real choice here? The resistance might dissolve. Or simply shift. Either way, you learn something about the invisible cost of control.
Sometimes that choice is worth a brick.
NOTEWORTHY
Read: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini — Discover the six invisible triggers that make people say yes without realizing why.
Explore: Understanding Psychological Reactance: New Developments and Findings by Christina Steindl — The science behind why forbidden things become irresistible and what it reveals about control.
Listen: You're Not the Boss of Me! from Hidden Brain — Why telling people what to do makes them do the opposite.
Watch: The Counterintuitive Way to Be More Persuasive by Niro Sivanathan — The surprising reason why saying less actually makes you more convincing.
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